Life's Reflections

Have you ever just sat and thought about your life and the life choices you've made in the past? Like, Really thought about it? Your every life choice, the path you decided to take which led you where you are today? Past friendships, relationships, career choices?
As I approach 30, I am starting to reflect. I think about how much life has given me, even with all the evil in the world. I have an amazing, caring husband who would give his shirt off his back and a 16 month old that brightens my world with his beautiful smile and personality. I have so much to be thankful for.
I was asked today 'if I could go back in time, would I change any of my decisions I've made?'.....the answer is no.
I am who I am because of the past so no, I won't change anything. I have made mistakes in the past, I've taken the wrong path in life more times than I'd like to admit but that's what life is about.
Everything I've done, has led me to where I am today.
I make life harder sometimes, I get stressed easily, I have the least patience of anyone I know. I take chances, I make mistakes, I like to think I embrace what I have but I probably take it for granted more than I should. I could clean more, I could eat healthier, I could exercise more but times get tough. I feel depressed, some days. It's hard to get motivated. I don't want to be social like I used to be. I don't feel like myself, which leads me to this:
I'm recently going through losing a baby (miscarriage) and it's hard. Statistics say It happens 1 out of 4 pregnancies so it's very common and people say you never forget but it makes you cherish life more and God has a plan and a reason but why? Why me, why now? I don't want to play the pity role...it's just hard to overcome. Is God punishing me for my past? I know I can probably conceive again but what made my body reject this baby? Did I not take care of myself at the beginning of conception to keep it safe and healthy? I was only 7 weeks but had known for 3 and I announced it to my husband on father's day! What perfect timing, right? Would have been a Valentine's day baby....but I had to have it removed from my uterus.
The unknown is what has been killing me...wondering, was a boy or girl, what would they have been like with their features and personality. Would it have resembled and favored me or my husband, or a perfect blend like our son?
My husband and I haven't talked about it much other than the fact that we will try again when my body is available. My friends are either going through fertility issues or pregnant themselves so it's hard to talk with them also.
I just needed to write out my thoughts, my feelings.
I will overcome this, I just need time and to vent! God has a plan, I just don't understand it...right now, but hopefully one day, I will.