Reflecting to RISE UP

Reflecting on life; where I’m at, what I’m to be, how humbly honored I am to have people in my corner. Family isn't always blood!

I reflect about where I’ll be in 10 years, my kids 13 and 11 🙀 will they be good citizens and brought up to respect others and boundaries? Will they be a leader or a role model to someone else? I can only hope we are doing the best we can with raising them to be ! 

I reflect on my goals, my accomplishments, strengths and weaknesses. My setbacks and road blocks but then......no, STOP 🛑 it’s time to shift my focus! Life isn’t always about you, Brittany! 🙄

I reflect on what others struggle with, how others have a different story; A different path that our Lord and Savior created for them! 

Financial struggles? Drug addiction? Unplanned pregnancy? Family loss? 

There are so many other things for us to focus on with how our world is today! 

We can RISE UP and come together as a UNITED NATION again, although I never really figured out when we were EVER 100% united...I mean Jesus was nailed to a friggin cross...that wasn’t very nice of Pontius Pilate, or the Romans!! 

We have to change our mindset! Actions speak LOUDER than words, that’s a tough lesson that I still work on but getting there! So, how can we change our ways and it improve our way of life? 

Your meal was paid for at the drive thru but you don’t have the money to keep it going for the next person? Pay it forward another way! Donate something to a local shelter, give that extra .89 rounded up from your purchase to the children’s miracle network! 

You struggle to get your kids everything they want for their birthday/Christmas? Make memories not distractions! Make a game tradition that they will remember and pass on. (My mother used to give us each a scavenger hunt to find our presents with riddles to find the next gift and got to open one small present on Christmas Eve) 

We can help each other RISE UP and come to learn to love ourselves and the people we are becoming and bringing up. 

Perfect people aren’t REAL and REAL people are definitely not Perfect. 

When we get to the source of it all, it’s all about Co-habitation! 

All of our thoughts, actions, words, emotions, dreams....they are there for a purpose! Use them, but use them wisely! When you think negatively, you will be negative. Surround yourself with people that motivate you. If you want to be happy and think positively, but your friends are negative and don’t make your life value any greater, time to change it up! 

Yes! we need to help and focus on each other, less selfish more selfless, but don’t completely leave yourself out of the equation or you’ll lose yourself. 

Let’s RISE UP! 

https://youtu.be/wcG9_bPR1_o

Empathy

So, I’m Coloring my first clients hair today and we start talking about how school is going for her since she’s a teacher! She teaches 6th grade and starts discussing her problem children and starts to breaks down! We start talking more about trying to relate with these children and how hard it is because the parents aren’t giving the time Of day to understand that these children need help understanding empathy! I can see she is stressed and at a loss! 

People need to understand that empathy and respect is taught at home! 

Empathy is something that we can acquire and expand upon with conscious mind sets and experiential learning. Empathy can reduce depression and anxiety, as it allows one person to connect with others, and vice versa, to create a helping, loving community. Religion not necessary but empathy is to treat some major human problems that cause systemic inequalities and illnesses.

We have to come together as parents to mold our future! We can’t allow children to dictate to us how it’s going to be! We start when they are young! 

I read a good article last night about teaching our children empathy without saying Sorry! 

Instead of making them say “sorry”, make them understand how it affected that person because when they are young, they don’t understand what sorry means! 

Also, we need to relate to our children and what makes them driven in life! What is their motivation? What makes them tick? If they are always in trouble, what is making them create such behavior? Are there issues at home? Not enough attention from parents? 

I couldn’t help but feel helpless for my client as she sat in my chair crying, I wanted her to love her career and enjoy going to work, not dreading it! I showed her exactly what she was lacking from others, EMPATHY!! 

These children are breaking her! They are making her want to throw in the towel and she is probably not the first to feel this way! These teachers are preparing our children for real world life and without the parents help, it makes in nearly impossible to achieve, which then causes bullies, kids bringing guns to school, kids with social anxieties, kids with depression and suicidal thoughts because of how other kids are treating them! 

Be kind to everyone, you never know what someone is dealing with or going through! And raise your children to love and respect! 

Pregnancy letter to Gracelyn Mae

Gracelyn,
We are two weeks out from our scheduled Cesarean date to have you, although I keep hoping you will come just a little sooner! 10/22/17 is the tentative date to meet you!

I am writing this blog to talk about the pregnancy and what it took to get you here on earth!

Valentine's Day, 2017 was very bittersweet (read previous blog). We would have met your brother/sister but God had other plans. Although He decided they were not for us here on Earth, He blessed us with some pretty amazing news. I was days away from starting Clomid to kick start my fertility again and BOOM! Two pink lines!

A couple hours later, more pink lines! We were stoked! As soon as I got my first appointment scheduled, it was still hard to believe and come to terms!

The doctor confirmed with urine test that I was pregnant and ordered an ultrasound to see how far along I was. When I had gone in for the ultrasound, I was very early! Still around 6 weeks or so and they gave me an October 27 due date! I thought for sure that couldn't be right as I was tracking my info on a fertility app and I swore we conceived prior to that but doctor knows best! They say sperm can live inside a woman for up to 5 days....maybe that was the case! ?

Anywho, it was still too early to see a heartbeat but my HCG levels were on track! That was the issue last time when my levels didn't double every couple days like they should have. Talk about scary!

So, now I am super anxious to find out WHAT you are! I found a test online through a pregnancy group on facebook that tells you the sex of the baby at 9 weeks! WHAT?!? Sneakpeektest.com was the website!
Apparently, they check mom's blood for any male DNA and if you have any, you're having a boy and if not, then it's a girl! I thought, 'what the heck' and decided to order it! I didn't tell your daddy at first, he probably would have tried to talk me out of doing it but I was still anxious to see the results.

The instructions said to not have any males present while drawing the blood (it was like a diabetes tester where you poke your finger and let the blood fill a vile). It could become inconclusive if they trace any other person's DNA. So I waited until Daddy and Gavin went to bed since I was still working 2nd shift at the school and sent the test out the next day, knowing results would be e-mailed within a few days!

On March 31st, we found out you were a baby girl! EEEK!

It was still hard to commit to buying pink until we confirmed later at your 12 week that the nub theory also revealed a girl and then 100% confirmed at the 20 week anatomy scan!
Those are the only ultrasounds I got with you! :(  We did end up getting the 3D/4D scans at Baby&Co when we were 27 weeks like we did with your brother! That was when we decided your name!! :)

I passed my gestational diabetes test so I didn't have it with you like I did your brother. You kept me on my toes still though!

I was constantly tired, un-motivated, cranky! No cravings really....nothing ever sounded good or bad! I guess that was good as it  meant I didn't lack anything nutrition wise! With your brother, I craved milk and reese cups! (I do still like Reese Cups with you in my belly too)!

You sat on my sciatica nerve for probably the whole 2nd trimester and into the 3rd! One point, made it hard for me to breath with my asthma and nothing was working!!! Inhaler, Nebulizer...none of it helped so I went into the ER to try to get some relief and come to find out, I had a kidney stone! It was a little one but I still could feel the pain from it!

Needless to say, this pregnancy hasn't all been cupcakes and rainbows but it has totally been worth it because I cannot wait to meet you and bring you into the world with the best big brother and amazing daddy that you will have! You are already so blessed beyond belief and will make a great little sister! (Mommy always wanted a little sister when she was little!)

Till I update again, please bare with me and daddy as we learn to adapt to two children instead of just ONE!
Love you to infinity and beyond,
Mommy

Bittersweet Valentine's Day

February 14th, 2017

The day our baby #2 was due, or should have been due.
Unfortunately, God had other plans.

Going through a miscarriage is rough. Whether it's 3 weeks along, 7 weeks along, 7 months or full term....anyone who loses a child just doesn't get over it quickly or even at all!

Our little peanut was 7 weeks when I had a D&C because I was miscarrying and it was creating problems with an ovarian cyst. Nobody knows why, nobody explained how but our Valentine's Day in 2017 was very sad. But then things took a turn....

I was back seeing my OBGYN to try to get my fertlilty back in check. I was supposed to start Provera(to kick start my cycle) in a couple of days. I couldn't take it until I was 10 days late because my cycle was NEVER regular and they don't want you take it in case you do become pregnant. Once I took that, 3 days into  my cycle, I'd get started back on Clomid; an estrogen modulator to assist in aiding those who struggle with infertility to fall pregnant but it can also run the risk of becoming pregnant with multiples! 😱 Holy moly, I don't know what I'd do with 2 or 3 bebe's.

I knew I couldn't be pregnant because I just took a test on Feb 6th, and if I were a normal person with normal ovulation schedules, I would have already been knocked up.....

Well, I guess mother nature had other plans. When things started looking up on that day, was when I decided, for shits and giggles, to take a pregnancy test........

Positive!

What? Wait! This can't be true! I don't understand, I'd have to have ovulated SUPER LATE!!!!
Well, I did. I took another one, shortly after lunch....was working at the Salon I had been at since late Sept 2016 but had only worked Tuesdays and Saturdays.

That one was also positive! Holy shit! What are the chances of me finding this out on the day our previous child would have been born!?

I couldn't believe my eyes, I called my OB and scheduled for blood work immediately since we had the miscarriage. They got me scheduled for the following Tuesday!

Now, how do I tell my husband!? I wanted it to be a surprise since he knew I had been so upset and depressed about losing our last baby. I had worked at the salon until 3pm and then had to go into the school until 9:45....let's just say it was a LONG ASS DAY!!! I looked at pinterest for probably 4 hours just trying to come up with a clever way to tell him.....

I decided to stop at Wal-Mart after work, which I think we needed dog food anyway, and see what they had left over from V-day baby stuff! I bought a Valentine's Day baby bib, book, baby bottle candy, and a 'Happy Father's Day From all of us' card! I put it all in a bag with the pregnancy tests and tissue paper and when I got home, my husband was sitting on the couch.

I handed him the bag, and started to open my camera on my phone.....
Last time I told him I was pregnant was Father's Day and I recorded it. He saw me start to record his reaction and he knew....he said before he even opened the gift, "you're pregnant?"

I was sad to not be able to capture his reaction to the gift but excited to say "YES"! He started to smile and then asked the same question that he asked the last time I told him, "who else knows?"
For some reason, my husband thinks I tell everyone else things like this before him! LOL

Well, I did tell my bestie, Michelle. She and I have this code that no matter when we take a pregnancy test and think we see the slightest line, we send each other pictures of the tests in every angle, every filter imaginable until one of us says 'I can kinda see it'!  I think my husband is jealous that she would know something so personal like that before him but he doesn't hold a grudge!

Anyway, I had a hard time really feeling pregnant. I didn't really know how to accept it or how to feel because I didn't want to be too excited and it turn out to be another miscarriage. That's probably one of the hardest things to cope with when you become pregnant after a miscarriage.  It probably wasn't until our 2nd ultrasound at 12 weeks that I truly could accept that I was pregnant! We got an ultrasound around 6 weeks but I think I just had to make it past that 7 week mark to be sure it would stick.

I got a little winded but I'll write another about how we found out the gender and how the pregnancy has been going. I'm actually 32 weeks today so I'm a bit behind on my blogging!

So needless to say, Valentine's Day, 2017 was a very Bittersweet day, remembering our baby in heaven, on to celebrate our RAINBOW baby!

Why let it Consume Me?

PCOS

Polycystic ovary syndrome (say "pah-lee-SIS-tik OH-vuh-ree SIN-drohm") is a problem in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS also may cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it isn't treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. (Reference WebMD)

Endometriosis

Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus. Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, fallopian tubes and the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond pelvic organs. (Reference WebMD)

Painful, disorder, problem, unwanted, out of balance.
All words that explain exactly how I feel and how I am! Facial hair, overweight and hard to lose no matter what, irregular menstrual cycles, hormonal imbalance resulting in extreme mood swings are just a few examples of the daily struggles I deal with along with millions of others.

It is not fun nor normal to have to bust out the tweezers every other day and not for your eyebrows...but for your beard, chin and even neck and chest! You're in fear of shaving it because of the rumors that it will grow back thicker and darker (which I don't see how because mine is black.)

I want to have smooth, flawless skin that I feel comfortable getting close to my loved ones. Close enough without fear of them seeing the big, long hair that I missed because I wasn't in my car tweezing with the best natural lighting. When they see that huge cheek or chin hair, they are so turned off that they look like they just saw bigfoot making out with cookie monster....total turn off!

Adkins diet, Paleo diet, slim fast replacement meals....Yeah you name it, I've tried it. It doesn't matter that extra body fat I gain and keep every time I have a mentrual cycle, if THAT even happens and when it doesn't, I stress eat and gain even more.

Do I have the motivation to work out? haha....hardly the time to, let alone take a walk in this frigid weather. Do I dare try out that Zumba class I saw on a friend's facebook, which I'm sure I'll make an excuse not to go and if I do, I am embarrassed that I may run into someone I know that is in great shape and then will make me feel inferior....

I'm at my wits end with trying to be NORMAL! I'm tired of the cards I was dealt with my female anatomy and I need a cure. I need some help and understanding. I need people to understand that I don't always feel well and that I have mood swings, not by choice.

I need people to understand that when you tell me to be patient and not stress, that I will get pregnant when the timing is right, that it drives me absolutely bonkers and all I want to do is have you walk a day in my shoes to get why I am a tad obsessed with charting, Ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, etc! It's not that easy to just take that advice!

I need to learn to let go and not have these conditions own me, to fight back and make the best of it. No matter what I do, it's going to be there and I will no longer be defined by my conditions. I will no longer let it consume me. I will tweeze as needed, shave as I please. I will get in better mental and physical shape with what I can control. I will be more intimate because my husband is in love with me, not my facial hair. I will try that Zumba class.

I will BEAT PCOS and ENDOMETRIOSIS! I will NOT let it consume ME!

If you or anyone you know struggles with female issues, I'm here to listen; vent your frustrations in the comments below but also know that there are support groups out there. PCOS Cyster Diva's on Facebook is one of my personal support groups! Feel free to like and help bring awareness to others who don't know about PCOS and endometriosis. 

Life's Reflections

Have you ever just sat and thought about your life and the life choices you've made in the past? Like, Really thought about it? Your every life choice, the path you decided to take which led you where you are today? Past friendships, relationships, career choices?
As I approach 30, I am starting to reflect. I think about how much life has given me, even with all the evil in the world. I have an amazing, caring husband who would give his shirt off his back and a 16 month old that brightens my world with his beautiful smile and personality. I have so much to be thankful for.
I was asked today 'if I could go back in time, would I change any of my decisions I've made?'.....the answer is no.
I am who I am because of the past so no, I won't change anything. I have made mistakes in the past, I've taken the wrong path in life more times than I'd like to admit but that's what life is about.
Everything I've done, has led me to where I am today.
I make life harder sometimes, I get stressed easily, I have the least patience of anyone I know. I take chances, I make mistakes, I like to think I embrace what I have but I probably take it for granted more than I should. I could clean more, I could eat healthier, I could exercise more but times get tough. I feel depressed, some days. It's hard to get motivated. I don't want to be social like I used to be. I don't feel like myself, which leads me to this:
I'm recently going through losing a baby (miscarriage) and it's hard. Statistics say It happens 1 out of 4 pregnancies so it's very common and people say you never forget but it makes you cherish life more and God has a plan and a reason but why? Why me, why now? I don't want to play the pity role...it's just hard to overcome. Is God punishing me for my past? I know I can probably conceive again but what made my body reject this baby? Did I not take care of myself at the beginning of conception to keep it safe and healthy? I was only 7 weeks but had known for 3 and I announced it to my husband on father's day! What perfect timing, right? Would have been a Valentine's day baby....but I had to have it removed from my uterus.
The unknown is what has been killing me...wondering, was a boy or girl, what would they have been like with their features and personality. Would it have resembled and favored me or my husband, or a perfect blend like our son?
My husband and I haven't talked about it much other than the fact that we will try again when my body is available. My friends are either going through fertility issues or pregnant themselves so it's hard to talk with them also.
I just needed to write out my thoughts, my feelings.
I will overcome this, I just need time and to vent! God has a plan, I just don't understand it...right now, but hopefully one day, I will.

Be THANKFUL

This holiday season, I am filled with love! God is good! Be THANKFUL for what is in front of you. If you asked me 2 years ago if I thought I would be where I am today, I was misguided, I was so discouraged with life. I thought God was punishing me for my sins but he has truly blessed me and taught me what matters is not what I've done but how I learned from my mistakes and how to change for the better. 

For 7 years, He has given me my husband, who has put up with so much from me and loved me even at my worst, who is an amazing provider and who helps make my dreams a reality. He has blessed me with my son, whom we prayed and struggled for, who made me truly understand unconditional love and patience and believe that miracles happen every day!

2 of my very dear friends are battling this struggle of becoming a mother daily and I pray for them every single day to be able to one day feel the love a child brings. I pray God gives them the strength to know that he has a plan in place. He is working on the perfect child and whether it's given to them through conception, artificially, adoption, He has a plan!

1 of my friends is contemplating even having a child naturally because of a medical condition with her and her husband. Adoption is an option however I would still recommend doing tests and figuring out all of your options and percentages of anything being passed on.

I pray for all the helpless children who don't have a loving foundation, ones who are helpless and neglected. I can't imagine how a person who has a child can not feel the love and joy they are. Parents who are not fit to be who should not conceive have babies left and right and punish them for breathing.....I pray for you because come judgement day, you will have God to answer to.

I pray for the children who are bullied, who have nobody to confide in. Who are afraid of walking out the door, in fear of what people will say that day. For the ones who are suicidal because mean and hurtful things people say to them.

I pray for the evildoers. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have bad things happen but we do, we have it every day, all around us. It is how we deal with it that matters and we all answer to ONE GOD!

I can pray, I can understand things or I can't understand, I can't change things out of my control, but what I can do is be thankful! I am thankful for life, the one that was given to me and for the guidance to get me where I am today. I could have been one of those children who was abused, neglected, bullied....but I'm not. I am perfectly happy with the life chosen for me and I will appreciate every waking moment I have with the ones who mean the most.